It’s everything I ever wanted yet I pushed it away. I resented it. I despised it. I detested it. I fought his love away like an attacker. I cringed every time he touched me. Yet, I craved him silently. I waited patiently for him to return so I could shower him with love and affection, yet when he returned I despised his presence. His aura nauseated me. I ached for him to leave but began to cry when he left.

It wasn’t always this way with him. I loved every bit of him at some point. I worshipped the very ground he walked upon. His word was my ye and amen. I partied at his beck and call like an animal. How did I grow to despise him so much I ask? When did we become like this? We were always Tami and Jo. You wouldn’t see him without me and you definitely won’t see me without him? When did everything change? When did I lose feelings for him? What happened???

I’m guessing it started after the first pregnancy. We really wanted that baby. I was in my third trimester when they noticed abnormalities and it became a choice of expelling the baby or losing my life. He was of the firm belief that abortion was a sin and I was murdering my own child. Don’t get me wrong, I love God and everything but that was absurd. I was gonna die here and he would end up with a deformed baby. I didn’t think there was much of a question but when he started to make a fuss, I made my sister my next of kin and she authorized the abortion.

It all started going downhill from there. He started avoiding me. Keeping late nights, drinking, coming home with lipstick stains on his shirts and random lingerie in his pockets. I was quiet about it all because that’s what wives do right? We’re expected to just sit there and take bullshit like we’re fools. Or so I was told. Joe hurt me, and he didn’t even realize. He violated our marriage for so long that even when he changed, I couldn’t stand him any longer. I had grown to despise him.

I had grown to hate my very own husband. The bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh. And the worst part was that I felt no guilt whatsoever. I actually felt validated and justified for feeling this way. I tried to love him again, I promise. It just wasn’t working. I guess that’s why I ended up here. In this tangled mess of emotions and confusion I like to call a marriage.